TO�MY�MIND...Here's a list that I've been putting togeather for the last ...two?... years... Anytime I come up with something, or find something on the internet, in real life, in an e-mail, or in God, I put it here, in this file... And here it is, unveilied for the world... It starts mostly with bumper-sticker quotes, with a couple origionals thrown in as they came... The depths of MY mind are found closer to the bottom...
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Experience is something you get right after you really need it
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the JuneFlower.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Eschew Obfuscation. (go ahead, look them both up!)
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Horn broken. Watch for obsene jesture.
All generalizations are false.
I brake for no apparent reason.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Born free...Taxed to death.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're insane!
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt-in case heaven is like the IRS..
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
No radio - Already stolen.
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
i souport publik edekashun.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Illiterate? ... Write for free help
Will work for food ... Will beg for sex.
EARTH FIRST - We'll log the other planets later.
If your ship hasn't come in...Swim out to it!
Life's too short to dance with ugly men/women.
I like cats. They taste like chicken.
Men are proof that women can take a joke.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once
I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
"Auntie em: hate you, hate the farm, leaving Kansas, taking the dog." -Love Dorothy
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
I didn't fight my 2way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Few women admit their age, few men act it.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an idiot
Love: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
Pride is what we have. Pity is what others have.
Forget about world peace...visualize using your turn signal.
Warning: dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie!".while you reach for a stick.
Bumper sticker in the year 2100: disco still sucks
Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my gun.
Did you check if your horn works?
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked, in a parallel universe.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it?
Clinton Happens.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back
I fish! Therefore, I lie.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me! I'm changing lanes.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
If the universe is everything, and the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why do banks charge a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Light travels faster than sound. Is that why people appear bright until you hear them speak?
If it's zero degrees today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
If you got into a taxi and the driver drove backward, would the driver end up owing you money?
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers...
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Hang up and drive.
Lord save me from your followers.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
�I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" till you can find a rock.
Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. tomorrow isn't looking good either.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never divulge everything you know.